By wendy, on September 29th, 2010%
I’ve been seriously slacking lately. Between the router issues (see my previous post,) work stress, and depression; I haven’t been able to write nearly as much as I’d like in the last few weeks, and I’ve gotten really behind.
The new Graceful Agony Blog Carnival, Who Turned Out the Lights?, went live on the Sept. 20th. Not being able to get online much meant it took me over a week to read all the posts, but they were really worth the wait. Continue reading Graceful Agony Blog Carnival – Depression & Chronic Illness »
By wendy, on September 29th, 2010%
I’ve been pretty much offline for about two weeks now, since our router died and we were down to sharing the single network cable coming from the main house. Hubby gets super cranky when he doesn’t have the net, so when he was home, he was the one connected.
He kept telling me I could use it, but he’s not really good at keeping himself occupied without the net. If he’s home and I’m connected, there are constant interruptions and I don’t get anything accomplished anyway. It’s just easier for me to wait for him to go to sleep or work.
Anyway, to make a long story short(er), my online time was so limited that all I managed to do was sort of keep up with my email, and check in with the folks that worry if they don’t hear from me.
The couple of posts I did manage to publish were mostly written offline, then pasted in and touched up. It’s really hard for me to write offline though, because I nearly always need to look things up or refer to articles that inspired a post.
A dear friend sent us a “new” router, and I finally managed to get it set up and working Sunday, so I’ll be able to finish the posts that I’ve been working on, but it may take me a while since I’m dealing with some heavy stress and depression right now. (Both of which cause writer’s block for me . . .)
By wendy, on September 19th, 2010%
Does having bipolar disorder automatically mean I’m not in pain, or that my pain should not be treated? Does the fact that someone has been addicted to something in the past mean that they should have to suffer excruciating pain for the rest of their lives to prevent readdiction to a new medication? If someone is dying of cancer, what difference does it make if they become addicted to the pain medication that makes their death less painful, that allows them to have a little relief?
Our society has become so terrified by the picture of the crazed, murderous addict that the government has painted for us that we will allow them to do almost anything to protect us, even though in the vast majority of cases that picture is no more than government propaganda.
The government has lost the war against drugs, they have no hope of ever being able to stop the illegal flow of drugs into this country, so they have changed their propaganda, and their targets. The war on drugs has become a war against chronic pain patients and the few remaining doctors who are willing to treat them.
Doctors are being persecuted (AND prosecuted) for trying to provide adequate treatment for their patients, and for every doctor who is prosecuted, many more begin refusing to prescribe the pain medications that make our lives worth living because of the fear that they will be next. Continue reading Killing Me Softly – The War on Drugs Becomes a War Against Adequate Treatment of Chronic Pain Conditions »
By wendy, on September 15th, 2010%
According to a recently released research study (Mortality in fibromyalgia: An 8,186 Patient Study Over 35 Years,) having fibromyalgia increases the chance that someone will commit suicide. I don’t understand exactly how much the risk increases, since the study provides an odds ratio rather than relative risk, but the simple fact that suicide is more likely is frightening enough. (The risk of accidental death was also higher in the fibromyalgia patients, which I’m guessing is at least partially related to “fibro fog” issues like forgetting whether you’ve taken your meds and accidentally taking an overdose.)
I totally understand why this is true, since my fibro has frequently triggered suicidal depressions for me, for various reasons. When I was first diagnosed, the total lack of understanding and support from my then-husband, combined with the lack of anyone in my life who DID understand and the terror of facing a life of pain and disability; threw me into a months long depression that only grew deeper as I dealt with the losses that came with the illness. I spent hours every day wishing I could die, and knowing that the fibromyalgia wouldn’t kill me.
There have been many more depressions since then, most related to the fibromyalgia in some way, even when it wasn’t the direct cause. The most recent one started 3 YEARS ago, Continue reading Fibromyalgia Increases Suicide Risk – Chronic Illness, Stress, and Depression Part II »
By wendy, on September 15th, 2010%
Depression has been a huge part of my life for so long that if it was suddenly taken away, I honestly wouldn’t know how to live. Even on the good days, it’s a constant, hovering just beneath the surface, waiting for the tiniest gap to escape through.
Peel an onion, and separate the layers. Take a good look at that delicate, transparent membrane between them; at how thin it is, how easily it’s torn. Something like that membrane is all that separates me from the depression that lives inside me like a monster, waiting its chance to tear through and eat every bit of happiness, every bit of hope, and every bit of energy I have.
Although I’ve been diagnosed as bipolar (accurately, I think;) my depressions tend to be situational depressions, not bipolar depressions. It may sound like semantics, or even denial, but there really is a major difference between the two. Continue reading Chronic Illness, Stress and Depression »
By wendy, on September 10th, 2010%
It’s National Suicide Prevention Week, and today is World Suicide Prevention Day. If you know someone who is suicidal, reach out, help them find help.
If YOU are suicidal, you need to know that you are not alone. There are many of us who have been where you are and come out on the other side. I’ve been there myself, more times than I can count, starting when I was 5 years old; and I’ve learned that if you can hold on, if you can reach out, it ALWAYS gets better.
Life is change, and EVERYTHING changes, even the misery you feel. There are people out there who can help, who WILL help. No matter what you think, your family and friends will NOT be better off without you, and your death will cause more pain and devastation in their lives than you could EVER cause by staying alive.
If you’re considering killing yourself, if you’ve started planning, even if you’re just thinking that things would be easier if you were dead, read this first. This article provides tons of ways to get help, and links to places you can connect with others that feel the way you do. Read the article, check out the links, maybe call one of the hotlines and actually talk to someone who understands what you’re going through.
The Suicide Project is another great place to connect with others who have been where you are, and read the stories of those who have been affected by the suicide of someone they love.
These two sites have saved my life more than once, by helping me find the resources I needed, and they can help you, too. Please, just check them out. It won’t take long, and death will always wait for you as it waits for all of us eventually.
Death Waits
Death waits
patiently
white pills
on white sheets
or blue steel
and red blood
I fear it
and desire it
equally
the choice
release
from pain
or continued suffering
finality
or uncertainty
my pain
or the pain
of others
ambivalent
I cannot
choose
and so
death waits
another day
I wrote this in 2001, and it has been true for me many times, both before and since. I’m sure it will be true for me again, but I’m also sure that when it is, I will find the help I need to get me through, one more time. The help is out there, all you have to do is ask. Please give life one more chance, please ask.
By wendy, on July 25th, 2010%
We don’t say it often enough, do we? Thank you . . . Two simple words, but it can be so hard to remember to say them. Not for the big stuff, we usually remember when someone gives us something big, but how often do we remember when someone listens to us? How often do we thank our friends for just being there for us; for listening, for understanding, and for giving us the strength to keep going when all we want to do is curl up and die?
I know I don’t tell my friends how much I appreciate them nearly enough, so when I found out that the new PFAM blog carnival topic is “the nicest thing(s) anyone has done for you since you became ill,” I decided it was time for some “thank yous.”
I have a LOT of friends, both real life and online, and they’ve done TONS of nice things for me. I’ve been given computers, and televisions, and a home; I’ve had friends lend me heating pads, and cook dinner on my night to cook, and give me rides to work. . .
My wonderful friends have done more for me than I could ever repay if I had a million years to do it in; but the best thing they’ve ever done is just listened to me when I needed to talk about how bad I felt, how scared I was, and even when I was suicidal. Continue reading The Best Friends in the World »
By wendy, on June 7th, 2010%
Do you suffer from bipolar disorder or depression? Are you pregnant, or planning to get pregnant?
If so, and you’re taking an SSRI (Prozac, Paxil, Celexa, Zoloft, Sarafem, Lexapro, Luvox) or SNRI (Cymbalta, Effexor, Pristiq) type antidepressant medication, or a combination of two different types of antidepressants, you may want to talk to your doctor about other options during your pregnancy. A new study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal reports that taking these medications during pregnancy increases the chances of spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) by MORE than two-thirds (68%.)
WARNING:
Withdrawal from these medications is extremely dangerous, and should never be attempted without the supervision of a qualified specialist with experience in handling “Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome.” The symptoms of withdrawal can be more severe than the original symptoms, even when doses are only reduced, rather than stopped entirely.
Sources:
Canadian Medical Association Journal, abstract: http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/abstract/cmaj.091208v1
Baker, S.L. (2010). “Antidepressants during pregnancy cause alarming 68 percent increased risk of miscarriage” (retrieved June 7, 2010). http://www.naturalnews.com/028943_antidepressants_miscarriage.html
By wendy, on March 6th, 2010%
Sometimes I hate my life . . . (honestly, most of the time I hate my life.) It’s been a particularly bad week, and I’m having a LOT of trouble coping with the pain levels. That means I have trouble sleeping, which increases the stress, and that increases the pain levels even more. It’s a vicious cycle, but it’s gonna have to break soon, unless you can have pain levels higher than 10/10. Continue reading I Didn't Sign Up for THIS »
By wendy, on February 15th, 2010%
When I got home from work last night and got done with all the “necessities,” (you know the drill – dinner, laundry, dishes, etc.) I decided to check my blog surfer and see what my friends had to say this weekend. Imagine my surprise when I found my name listed in one of the posts! I knew that Jolene, over at Graceful Agony, was getting a “Sugar Doll Award” because I’d read Deanna’s post listing her picks, but I never expected that Jolene would choose me as one of the folks she passed it on to.
I’m honored and amazed that Jolene chose me. I haven’t known her long, but she is quickly becoming a dear friend. I’m totally impressed by her ability to stay positive (I haven’t posted in a week because I’m stuck in one of those totally negative spaces I get in sometimes, and I knew I couldn’t write without that negativity bleeding through,) and her ability to put into words what so many of us feel. Continue reading An Award?? Oh My! »
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"The moral test of a society is how that society treats those who are in the dawn of life . . . the children; those who are in the twilight of life . . . the elderly; and those who are in the shadows of life . . . the sick, the needy, and the handicapped."
---Hubert Humphrey
Welcome to the new home of Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired. I hope you'll enjoy the changes, and the new resources I'll be adding as I have time to work on the site. Things will look a bit odd while I learn where and how to modify the appearance, so please bear with me.
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